Annabelle, The Maze Runner & Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Richards Reckons Reviews

What connects a group of mutated martial arts reptiles, a deadly post apocalyptic maze and a haunted demonic doll? Literally nothing; except the fact that today, you’ll find out what Richards Reckoned about ALL OF THEM.

First up, some creepy goings-on with Annabelle.

*Shiver*

So, Annabelle isn’t just your average doll; she’s a doll with a plot. Her plot is this; in the late 1960’s, husband and wife John and Mia (Ward Horton and Annabelle Wallis – heheh, irony…) are expecting a baby. Mia loves dolls, so John buys her a absolutely f*cking hideous beautiful, rare doll she’s been looking for to add to her collection. That night, a couple of Satanists kill the couple next door and then try to kill them (don’t you just hate it when that happens?), with the female Satanist taking a particular liking to said doll; her blood even drops on it after she’s killed herself, and what other sign of affection is stronger than that? After some particularly creepy events at the house, they throw the doll away and move away after the birth of their daughter Lea. But Annabelle the doll turns up yet again, and they decide to keep her for reasons that are absolutely beyond me; it’s then that the paranormal activity ramps up to insane levels, and Mia must find out what the hell is going on (no pun intended).

Annabelle is a prequel spin-off to last year’s The Conjuring, which was very successful in scaring the living daylights out of most people that saw it. I saw The Conjuring with a group of friends of mine sat in a front room; in contrast, I saw Annabelle in a pretty packed out screening in the cinema. Both of these are ideal environments to watch horror films; in particular Annabelle, because observing and laughing at some of the audience’s reactions are more entertaining than the film itself. The collective groan from the audience when we first saw the doll in her apparently beautiful form was laughable; akin to the noise a parent would make after witnessing their toddler disgrace themselves on the floor of an Asda supermarket. The screams and massive overreactions to the 1000 jump scares are also pretty fun too. So, if you were to see this, I would recommend going to a packed out showing to see it.

On the other side of the screen, Annabelle really has not got much going for it. There is nothing unique, new or special about it whatsoever; every single sequence and scare we have all seen before, and done considerably better at that. Like many horror films of late, Annabelle relies purely on the patented “Quiet-Quiet-Quiet-Quiet-Quiet-LOUD NOISE” jumpscare technique and slowly zooming in on the inanimate face of the admittedly creepy doll to frighten people more than anything truly disturbing of memorable. That is, apart from one scene which really gave me the willies (stop laughing) set in a basement with elevator doors; hats off for that sequence as it did weird me out, but everything else is just half a second jolts.

The scenes in between these scares too are boring; populated with flat characters who make really, really stupid decisions (leaving a baby alone on the top floor apartment while you go to the basement when there’s a demon following it about? REALLY, MIA?!) and just spout out tired, recycled dialogue from other films. My cinema-going companion (who shall remain nameless unless he wants to be named) got so bored of the film he (and I do not condone this behaviour) started reading the Wikipedia article of the plot; READING the plot on Wikipedia was more entertaining for him than actually WATCHING it play out. There was what looked like a particularly gruesome, cruel and heartbreaking twist coming towards the end – which the film would have had serious cojones for having – but it backs out of it almost straight away; which stinks of studio interference.

In all, Annabelle is jumpy and at times slightly creepy but almost entirely unoriginal. There are a few well orchestrated jumpscares in there, but with a drab plot, there’s nothing more.

Now for some running around mazes like a frantic Crystal Maze contestant with The Maze Runner.

The Maze Runner needs a plot in order to keep on running, and here is that plot; Thomas (Dylan O’Brien) wakes up in a box rocketing upwards through a shaft. When he gets to the top, he’s surrounded by other young men; he soon finds out he has entered the Glade, an area of woodland where a community of young chaps live. It’s surrounded by a huge maze, the gates of which open and close every night mysteriously. Despite having groups known as “runners” to investigate the maze during the day, the Gladers know nothing about it, except that it’s dangerous due to its population of large cyborg spiders. When a young woman (Kaya Scodelario) comes up through the box one day, everything starts to change…

If the thought of young adults fighting for their lives in a dystopian post-apocalyptic-event style world sounds familiar to you, then congratulations – you’ve been alive for the past few years. Apocalypse seems to be the new black these days when it comes to the cinema, especially focussed around young people; see The Hunger Games, Divergent & The Giver. Soon enough, Topshop will start selling blood stained cravats and slightly dirty, torn jackets if this trend carries on. But yes, it’s one of the flavours of the day, which why this adaptation coming out right about now totally makes sense. But how does it fare in comparison with the others?

Well, The Maze Runner (which is Richard O’Brien’s nickname – kudos if you get that joke) is a welcome addition to this subgenre, but perhaps isn’t the most memorable. There are some good performances here; especially from Will Poulter playing the institutionalised Gally (the closest we come to an in-Glade villain) and Thomas Brodie-Sangster as Newt – both of whom clash when the vacancy of the Glade leader opens up. Several characters are just exposition machines and catalysts; unfortunately, Thomas himself can fit into this category, as well as Kaya Scodelario’s Teresa, who as the only girl in the film really is given nothing to do. The threat of the maze itself and its Griever occupants (which look like a mix between one of Sid’s toys from Toy Story and a rogue animatronic from an arachnid theme park ride) is well presented and woven into the tale nicely with intrigue as well as dread.

The problem with the Maze Runner primarily is the plot and the level of mystery it sets up. Right from the offset you’re thinking “well, this is certainly an interesting set up, I wonder how they got into THIS one” – constantly questioning how or why this is happening, ramping up the intrigue with every single mysterious item uncovered or circumstance altered. Now, I have no problem with this; I do it all the time when I meet people, making myself seem like an international man of mystery, and therefore far more exciting than I already am. The problem comes when these mysteries and questions about the universe in which the film is set are never answered properly nor satisfactorily; coming straight from the Lost school of answering questions with more questions until your audience turns into a bunch of Inspector Morses screaming that they demand answers, damnit!

So overall, The Maze Runner pales in comparison to something like The Hunger Games (with one emotional beat which is almost a carbon copy of something that happens in said Games, except nowhere near as moving), but has enough going for it in its chase sequences and Lord of the Flies-esque set up, and is interesting enough to be worth a watch, if not just to see some rising British stars in action.

And finally, to complete our menage-a-trois (though what an awful thought that is), it’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

So, as you may have guessed, these Turts have a plot under their shell, and here is it; April O’Neil (Megan Fox) is a reporter at Channel 6 news, stuck with doing rubbish throwaway cheerful stories with her cameraman Vern (Will Arnett) when really she wants to research the spate of crime by the villainous “Foot clan” around New York. When she (pretty much purposefully) gets taken hostage by some “foot” soldiers (haha… ha), she is rescued by some mysterious vigilante figures, who she then follows; it turns out they are four six-foot mutated turtles, who are also ninjas and teenagers – Donatello, Michaelangelo, Raphael and Leonardo. The five of them are then caught up with a plot involving the villainous Foot clan trying to release toxins into New York city.

I’ll hold my hand up and admit; my expectation phasers were set to “very low” before I went into this, even though I try to keep an open mind. Firstly, Michael Bay’s name was attached to the project as producer, which considering his recent work with the Transformers franchise (another American childhood favourite), was a bit of a death knell. I also didn’t have the nostalgia factor particularly going for me as my childhood was relatively turtle-free, except for an incident at Colchester Zoo that I’d rather not go into. I went into this movie thinking it was going to be really, really terrible.

But, in fairness, I didn’t think it was terrible. Well, not as terrible as I first presumed anyway; it’s certainly better than any Transformers sequel. It’s not a great, or barely even good movie but to call it outright terrible would be somewhat dismissive of some of its better qualities.

Firstly, its humour can be a bit childish in areas considering it’s a 12A rated film; which is great for kids, as it gave them something to laugh at (and they did, unapologetically), but anybody older than 9 may not find every single joke funny. There are also a couple of jokes particularly to do with objectifying Megan Fox which feel somewhat uncomfortable – but only a couple. It’s almost like that’s in Michael Bay’s contract for every film that she’s in; that she must be demeaned in some way at least once. Otherwise, some of the turtle wisecracks can be worth a small chuckle or two, as well as Will Arnett generally being Will Arnett and therefore being funny, but it is in no way pant-wettingly hilarious for anybody at any age.

Some of the action sequences too are more entertaining than others. Parts feel a bit run of the mill and crafted out of offcuts from other movies, but nevertheless quite fun; although nothing striking or memorable. There’s a hell of a lot of nearly-falling-off-things as well (seriously, count it, it’s mad). Director Jonathan Liebesman also makes the common mistake of confusing incoherence with fast pace; sometimes the action scenes are very disorientating and hard to follow. On the subject of hard to follow, the plot relies almost entirely on coincidence in most areas; including a reworking of the turtles’ origin story to make them closer to protagonist April, which feels entirely unnecessary and a desperate attempt to create another bond between two sets of characters. The villain’s ultimate plot also makes no sense at all, with Silver Samurai  Shredder being about as charismatic as a brick as the main baddie, but considering we’re looking at four giant turtles and a sensei who is a mutated mouse, you can kind of forgive that.

Overall, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is generally not that great, with a “because destiny!” focussed plot and gags that can fall a bit flat. But with some slick VFX and quite relatable turtle heroes, it’s not overtly, offensively terrible either. This is one for families with kids more than the average moviegoer as it struggles to provide something for all the family; just make sure you if you do go, you leave your brain at the door before you observe the cartoonish idiocy.